Bowch's Clam Chowder

Sunday, 15 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Fruit & Fibre Lunch: Roast Beef Dinner Tea: Spinach & Ricotta Tortellini with Salad Monday, 16 January 2012 Breakfast: 2 slices of Toast Lunch: ½ Bag of Carrot Batons with Hummus Tea: Sushi Tuesday, 17 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Fruit & Fibre Lunch: Sushi & Cherries Tea: Chicken Korma and Coconut Rice Wednesday, 18 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Granola Lunch: ½ Bag Carrot Batons and Jalapeno Hummus Tea: Chilli Con Carne with Mexican Rice Thursday, 19 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Fruit & Fibre Lunch: ½ Bag Carrot Batons and Jalapeno Hummus Tea: Brocoli and Stilton Soup with 2 slices of Bread Supper: 6 Crumpets Friday, 20 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Fruit & Fibre Lunch: ½ Bag Carrot Batons and Reduced Fat Sour Cream & Chive Dip Tea: 1/8 Melon, 2 Bananas and an Orange Saturday, 21 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Fruit & Fibre Lunch: ½ Bag Carrot Batons and Reduced Fat Sour Cream & Chive Dip Tea: Tom Yam Nam Khon and Fish Stir Fry Sunday, 22 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Organic Cornflakes Lunch: Tom Yam Nam Khon and Fish Stir Fry Tea: Roast Chicken with trimmings Supper: Yoghurt, Banana & Clementine Snacks: Banana Monday, 23 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Fruit & Fibre Lunch: Jacket Potato with Sweet Chilli Prawns Tea: ½ Star Wrap Tuesday, 24 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Corn Flakes Lunch: Jacket Potato with Cheese & Bacon Tea: 2 Ham Sandwiches Wednesday, 25 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Porridge Oats Lunch: Pea & Ham Soup with Chicken, Carrots & Hummus Tea: Pork Stir Fry and Low Sugar Plum Crumble Thursday, 26 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Corn Flakes Lunch: Potato & Leek Soup with 2 Slices of Bread Tea: 2 Chicken Breaststeaks & Chips Friday, 27 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Hot Oats Lunch: Mixed Grill with Chips Tea: Clementine, Banana, Oat Cakes Saturday, 28 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Hot Oats Lunch: 3 Pitta Bread with Garlic & Onion Dip, Banana Tea: Battered Chicken Breaststeaks, New Potatoes and Vegetables, followed by Gingerbread and Clotted Cream.

Can I really be depressed? Especially when I seem to find things that I can be happy about! I have people who love me, and friends who seem to care and worry about me. Why is it so hard for me to accept that those people are genuine in their feelings toward me? One example is that I had a friend, Jo, call me yesterday evening to see how I was doing; even though she's been ill herself over the last couple of weeks. Undoubtedly, she was genuine in her concern, but all I could think was "Why is she phoning me? What is she fishing for?" Looking back this morning I feel that I've done her a great dis-service. I've also received a lot of comments and messages both on my blog and on Facebook and am sometimes left wondering "Are they genuine? Or, are they just being polite?" I've already shut out so many people who I don't consider to be friends, but merely old school friends, workmates and acquaintances, and I've left myself with a core group of family, friends and some acquaintances; people who I may not necessarily but good friends with but would stop and natter with in the street or store. I now kind of feel that I'm in danger of pushing away those remaining few as well.

I don't like interacting with people; they make me nervous. This even applies to some people that I've known for well over 20 years. I've always felt nervous talking to other people, especially women. What sort of conversation would I be able to carry without boring the ass of the person I'm talking to? I'm frankly rubbish at the inane chitter-chatter that people tend to need to interact with one another. You'll hardly ever see me in a pub or nightclub. I've maybe been to the pub 3 times in the last 5 years or so, and if I do, I'll rarely drink anything alcoholic. I've always struggled to form new relationships; I don't like opening up enough to let people get to know me, and in group situations I often feel that I'm only included because I'm either there, or because it'd be less obvious than ignoring/excluding me. I'm 42 years old and I've never had the courage to ask a woman out. All my past relationships have either been via a third party, through the woman asking me out, and many times I've turned women down thinking they were just asking as some sort of dare/bet, and there's been 1 or 2 occasions where the relationship has just seemed to occur. One of the most intense relationships I ever had started that way, and when it finished about 18 months later I was totally devastated, and almost inconsolable for months afterwards. I've never let myself get hurt like that since. Not only do I hate being the centre of attention, I even hate being in the line-of-sight. This becomes clearer when you consider that I've done a lot of tabletop roleplaying over the years, and always tend to try and blend into the scenery; even if the character I am playing is a larger-than-life 8-foot tall Troll Street Samurai with a gyro-stabilized mini-gun, panther assault cannon and huge, great, fucking Scottish Claymore strapped across her back. And, then there's my GMing style. I like to sit back and let the players drive the plot/game. I feel like I'm heading off on a tangent, so I'll stop there before I ramble into obscurity.

I hate myself... I mean, really, what is there to like about me? For a very long time, even before all my health problems and obesity, I've never thought of myself as attractive to the opposite sex, or perhaps even the same sex for that matter. Why would anybody find me in the least bit interesting? I've never thought of self-harm or mutilation; I don't even like the idea of getting a piercing or tattoo, but I've often had fleeting thoughts about how easy it would be to end the pain things. Thankfully, they've always come at a time when there's been no opportunity to act upon them. I don't consider myself to be a danger to myself or suicidal, but, the thoughts have been, and sometimes continue, to be there. Even though I tend to be methodical, and perhaps even over-think things, sometimes, not always, but sometimes, I act impulsively and without thinking things through. My big fear is that I'll get a stupid thought in my head at a most inopportune moment, and then act on it. It hasn't happened yet...

Along with the health problems that I'm now trying to come to terms with, and fight, I think I have other problems that I've never even admitted to myself; let alone other people. I've been lying to myself, and people around me, for a very long time now, and it's almost become second nature. It's so easy to say "I'm fine." when somebody asks "How are you?" and then just continue as if that's the truth, It's not, and hasn't been for as long as I can remember. I really don't like myself. I'm not happy, and I think that I haven't been really happy for a very long time. I've had a few moments of happiness, and I do mean real happiness, in the last few weeks, but I feel that I've been generally descending down into a very dark place, for a very long time. And the last thing I want to do is drag somebody along with me; especially when it's somebody I truly care for. I need help, and I don't know who I can turn to, who I can trust, who will have my best interests at heart, who will believe what I'm saying, who will help me without judging?. Some people will read this and perhaps think that I'm just looking for some attention. If that was so, I would've written and posted this before I deleted my MySpace account, deactivated my Facebook account and protected my Twitter account. I'm not seeking attention, I truly need help!

Sunday, 1 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Weetabix Lunch: Pork Shoulder with Trimmings Tea: 2 pieces of Gateau and Biscuits Monday, 2 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Weetabix Lunch: Chilli Scrambled Eggs on Toast Tea: 2 pieces of Gateau Snacks: 4-6 Peanut Butter Cookies Tuesday, 3 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Rice Snaps Lunch: 4 Sausage Sandwiches with Cheese & Onion Spread Tea: 2 Battered Chicken Breasts with Oven Chips Wednesday, 4 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Rice Snaps Lunch: Mixed Grill with extra Jumbo Sausage and Curry Sauce Tea: 2 Breaded Chicken Breasts with Oven Chips Thursday, 5 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Rice Snaps Lunch: Cheesey Ravioli with 4 slices of Toast Tea: Baked Potato with Prawn Mayo and Salad Friday, 6 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Rice Snaps Lunch: Ravioli with 4 slices of Toast Tea: 2 Breaded Chicken Breast with Oven Chips and Carrots Snacks: Roast Turkey sandwich, Carrott Batons with Hummus Saturday, 7 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Rice Snaps Lunch: 2 Roast Turkey sandwiches with pickle and apple sauce Tea: Chicken & Mushroom Stir Fry with Rice Noodles Sunday, 8 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Rice Snaps Lunch: 4 Sausages, Mashed Potatoes, Beans Tea: Nothing Monday, 9 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Rice Snaps Lunch: 1 Roast Turkey Sandwich, ½ Corned Beef Sandwich Tea: 2 Breaded Chicken Breasts and Oven Chips Tuesday, 10 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Strawberry Crunch Lunch: 1 Chopped Pork and Cheese Spread Sandwich Tea: Pork Tikka with Basmati Rice and Flatbreads. Wednesday, 11 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Rice Snaps Lunch: Kedgiree with Salad. Tea: ¼ Star Wrap Thursday, 12 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Strawberry Crunch Lunch: None Tea: Chicken Korma Friday, 13 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Corn Flakes Lunch: ¼ Star Wrap Tea: 4 Corn Crispbreads Saturday, 14 January 2012 Breakfast: Bowl of Rice Snaps Lunch: 2 Chicken Breaststeaks and Oven Chips Tea: Bowl of Tom Yam Soup Snacks: 2 Bananas. 1 Clementie, ½ bag of Carrot Batons with ½ pot of Caramelized Onion Hummus, 2 Cherries

Medically, it's been rather a stranger week than normal for me. I've started paying much closer attention to what I'm eating and as a result I am tending to eat foods containing a lot less sugar and fat than I have been doing so previously. Anyway, as a direct result of this I have had at least 2 hypoglycemic close calls this week; although, I have also managed to miss lunch, and tea, at least once each. Luckily the first close call I was at a friend's house and she managed to get me stabilised with some Pineapple Juice. Last night I was at home and just ended up falling asleep for about an hour, waking up and realising I was that low that I had to grab my emergency 500ml bottle of Lucozade out of the fridge.